The Thesis (4) - The End

Where I talk about the defense and final submission

A note before I begin —

I’m not sure if or when or how I’ll continue blogging. I started this blog when I began my MA, and now it’s reached an end. When I was in the last month or so of thesis work, I took a break from posting on social media, and I had this really refreshing experience of not sharing about my life constantly, and I kind of liked it. I’m really struck by how Lorde uses social media (at least how her public-facing personl does), where she is basically not present until she drops something. I like the idea of sharing less and more intimately. I think I’ll keep doing that for a while. So for now, consider this an end to this space. I’m sure I’ll be back, just now sure how or when.

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If you’re reading this, I shaved my head a few weeks ago.

This isn’t the first time I shaved my head bald. Right before senior year of uni, I also shaved my head completely bald. I joked that I figured I would go bald one day, and I wanted to check my head shape was okay. It wasn’t totally a joke.

I actually love how I look bald, and I’m excited for a new hairstyle. Since shaving my head bald in 2018, I haven’t had a haircut. I mean that literally. I just let my hair do what it wants. I’ve been saying for years that when I finish my MA program, I’m shaving my head bald. It’s symbolic of moving from one stage of my life to another. I was debating between doing it right after my defense or until I submitted a final copy, and then I felt so silly being so indecisive, so I scheduled an appointment at a fancy barbershop the Friday after my defense and just went ahead and did it.

I think shaving my head as a metaphor for new life is so..New Age…and naval gazey, which are things I don’t consider myself (as he writes an entire blog examining his own interiority and experience in an MA program). I acknowledge the irony. I think this decision is cheesey. I also think it’ll make me look hot, which is a motivator for more in my life than people probably realize.

I struggle to let things go, but the difficulties of this MA program aren’t things I want to hold on to. The past three years have not been easy for so many reasons, and I’ve felt pretty defeated at points, but I also want to move on. I don’t want to ruminate. This has been one of the most frustrating educational experiences in my entire life.

So I cut my hair. A physical reminder not to ruminate. A physical way of removing the past from my head.

But before moving on, I would regret if I didn’t wrap this whole thing up a bit. I’m going to do this with a timeline with commentary —

I submitted my thesis to the university on April 23. I had to go back to the school on April 25 to go pay the fee for turning in my thesis late. I don’t know how this all got calculated, but mine was considered 6 months late. I had to pay 1,210,000 VND/month, so I paid the school 7,260,000 VND. It was a lot of money, but I stand by turning it in “late.” Way better than being stressed.

On May 7th, I got notified of my defense date — May 13th. This feels last minute to me, but I’m also glad to have it earlier than expected. I had to go pay more money for the room. It was for the IT people to help with the projector, for them to set up some backdrop for me, prep water for the committee. Idk. It cost 1.1 million VND. Here’s a pic of the room below —

I had sent a PowerPoint to my advisor around a week before my presentation. He got back to me the night of to tell me it was fine. This was one of my signs to me that this isn’t that important. I don’t mean that in a self-detrimental way. I just mean that, if it really mattered to my advisor, he would have had me practice or something.

The few days leading up to my defense, I was pretty anxious. I used to spend a lot of time wishing I wasn’t anxious or feeling bad about being anxious, but in the few days up to my thesis I felt this sense of amazement that, despite how awful I was feeling, I was somehow perservering and was going to do the damn thing. Still felt awful, though. Like physically ill. Unable to eat. Unable to sleep. Blegh.

And then I had the defense on May 13th. 8:30am. Room 204B.

The defense had five committee members. I thought this was ridiculous for an MA, but alas. It started late because one of the professors was late (traffic jam). I was feeling surprisingly not anxious the morning of, maybe due to some anxiety medicine I took the night before? Who knows.

First, one of the committee members read this long, official document. Normal for a meeting here. Then they read my CV aloud, which struck me as bizarre. THEN they read my transcript, every single grade for every single class I took for my MA. I don’t even know what to say. I am SUPER private about grades, always have been. I was surprised but not shaken, because I’m used to grades being public here, but it also felt…horrifying…like…wtf….I’m laughing as I write this. Maybe this experience is another reminder of how much more I could learn about Vietnam, and how, despite going through an entire degree here, I still feel discomfort over so many things here.

Another thing it makes me wonder about is teaching Vietnamese as a second language. I worked on a program last year where I was often wondering how “authentic” the teachers should make the class for the American students. If the normal class experience here is teachers reading the grades aloud to the group, then should teachers do that? Of course, this is not allowed in the US, but if programs are designed to give students an immersive experience, shouldn’t classroom norms be followed? But then, will students be so horrified and uncomfortable that they won’t want to engage in class? But then…how much should we protect students from uncomfortable situations, because if we don’t show from the realities of Vietnamese education, how will they ever understand this place? (Welcome to one of the many thought loops I get stuck in)

I presented. I went overtime and got cut off, which honestly was fine with me. The person who cut me off was like “we’ve read it, it’s okay, just go quickly.” (Plot twist, I really don’t think he’d read it actually, because based on his comments, either I wrote so unclearly that it wasn’t understandable (a possibility) or he hadn’t read it deeply and only fixated on spelling issues (all evidence points to this!!!)).

Then the defense part began (sort of?). Each committee member shared their views on the paper. It was long. So long. Chairperson number 1 easily had 3-4 pages double spaced that he just read out. I agreed with a lot of the feedback, so I actually didn’t get upset when critiqued. This is cliche, but I really am my own harshest critic, so very little of what the professors said surprised me. They mentioned I had spelling errors, which is true. They questioned my research site, which is something I wasn’t happy about in my own research. They questioned my sample size, which I also questioned. I had written about all this in the thesis, limitations, areas for improvement, etc. If I were to do this again, there’s so much I would do differently, which I guess is partially the point of this learning exercise.

What surprised me about myself was this sense of accomplishment, that I had finished something, and that even though it was flawed, it was done.

I got asked questions, but the way I got asked…this is partially my fault, but I forgot that sometimes in presentations here, the way questions get asked is like….every single question gets asked together and then you answer. So that means that, some of the committee members asked questions, but I wasn’t given time to respond until ALL FIVE PEOPLE had spoken, meaning that I didn’t remember their questions. So I didn’t really engage with them. And that seemed to be okay.

I’m being somewhat vague here not on purpose but more that I don’t exactly remember what happened. I remember when I used to do piano recitals, I would have no idea how my performance went after it finished. I would be so absorbed in the act of performing, that it was like my ability to store memories was turned off. I had a similar experience defending. I don’t remember much.

The two things that stay with me a few days out from defending is annoyance at one committee member, who was harsh in a way that felt like an attack instead of something constructive. I was annoyed in the moment, angry when I read his feedback days after the defense, and then later, reflecting upon how he acted, how he positioned himself as so antagonistic towards me and so superior, it just made me sad. It made me sad he felt the need to act like that towards me and that, from what I could tell, the other committee members also saw that he was trying to show off for the room instead of improve my work. It reminded me how much I’ve changed in my own approach to feedback and my own approach to academia. I’m reminded of creative writing classes where people seemed to want to tear people down instead of build them up, and how I used to be okay with that style of feedback. It also made me sad to think he’s probably abusive to other students, and that if those students aren’t strong, he could seriously damage their psyche. I can brush him off as an asshole, but I worry about those who can’t.

The feeling I hope stays with me, though, is the feeling I got when one of the committee members started his feedback with something along the lines of, “When I read this thesis title, I thought, “coffee,” what’s new about that? We already know a lot about coffee in Vietnam, and then I read it and I realized there are still things we don’t know.” He said it with a sense of wonder, the sense of wonder I felt researching. This project was perspective shifting for me. My way of experiencing the world is forever changed, and to think I was able to convey that sense of wonder to someone else, is just amazing. That’s why I write. That’s why I read. For that sense of wonder. For learning to see the world differently.

In total the whole defense took two and a half hours, which felt excessive, especially with how little I got to actually engage with the committee. The whole thing felt like so many other academic experiences here. It started late. The committee members were mostly on their computers or phones while other committee members were speaking, not engaged. I don’t blame them. One thing I’ve learned to get used to here is that there are such limited resources in an academic context, that professors have to make use of their time whenever they can. They are teaching, grading, writing research and doing a whole lot of admin work. They were doing all of this during my presentation, I’m sure. And that’s okay.

It suited how I felt at the end of this process. I didn’t want to engage either. I’m tired. My advisor is super nice and perfect as well for where I’m at right now. He just let me write the thing, gave some feedback, and didn’t push me to do more.

The day after the defense, I was given a PDF with all the comments written out. It’s like ~35 pages. Wild. I don’t actually have to respond to all (or most) of them, but I do have to fill out this document showing what I changed.

I was then given 1 month to respond to comments.

I went through and edited. A week after the defense, I sent an updated draft to my advisor. I then went to Taiwan on a trip for pleasure. The whole trip, I barely ruminated on the whole defense. Instead, I just…lived…I cycled in Penghu, one day going 112 kilometers, which was physically and mentally very difficult, but there were incredible highs on that ride. I have moments where I question my life, how unstable it sometimes feels, and how maybe a more steady, regular, larger source of income would make me feel more at ease. But I have other times, when I’m cycling for example, and the wind is whipping around me and I’m surrounded by oceanic views that I think: This is life. This is what I want to be doing. I’m doing it. I’m living.

I came back to Vietnam after that trip, no word yet from my advisor on new edits. He eventually did get back to me (after an email from me requesting an update). He’s been very generous with his time, which I’m grateful for, for him taking time to edit, especially since there were more language errors than I’d like to admit in the thesis.

I then had to send his updated version to one other committee member. Final submission requires approval from the advisor and one committee member.

And today, I submitted my final copies to the university, all in pretty covers with gold. One goes to the library. One goes to the department of post-graduate studies. One goes to the Vietnamese studies department.

This process has felt neverending. From submitting a thesis prospectus to doing research to writing to editing to submitting for defense to defending to editing again to finally, finally, finally submitting the damn thing.

I did it. I have an MA in Vietnamese Studies from a Vietnamese university. Isn’t that kind of wild? It’s over, and I shaved my head, and I don’t want to ruminate on this whole ordeal. I want to move one. I want to do new things.

I’m glad I finished, but I’m not sure if I’m glad I did it.